Chairs for two, where creaks don't echo

 How come my worst fears turn into monsters of this town. How come I loved you so and you've turned to love her now. Its your first love and you're so naive to tell everyone. I'm so delusional for thinking I was the one. 

I noticed you for a few months, laughing around like she was the one. But my heart or my mind refused to transcribe what this was, this was after all love. 

Tearing myself apart, I've become so many things in one. I'm so much, so much in one. It overflows once and I feel so desperate for a hand. For some touch. For some presence to feel in this small palm of mine. What have I made of myself I don't even know. It's nothing and everything at the same time. How long before I will learn that I cannot be everything just for one person who has one thing to like me. I am nothing without some validation.

You gave her chocolates today and I saw the look on your face. How long before I saw that Stephen who never bowed, never rested and just went on with whatever he had in his hands and his mind straightahead. How can I digest this stupid love version of you when I know how much more you could be. This is so horrible. This is something.

I don't know if she'll ever accept you. But looks like she will one day. I am so awkward all the time around you two. How could I imagine that the smile I once saw of yours will now forever be for her. This is so stupid, it's making me vomit everything out.

While you were admitting your feelings, there was one imagine on the back of my mind. I was on the stage. Alone. Lights on but there was no one in the audience. No one to hear me sing. No one to guess what love was in the songs I sang, I was going to sing for you. This is so sick. So pathetic. I want to die. I was alone and alone and I was trembling as you explained and I held the mic in the back of my mind and I was going to sing, my fingers fluttering on the hold. I was shaking, shaking so horribly as you went on and on and on. And I felt tears streaming down my face, coming out of nowhere. I was feeling dizzy.

And when the final moment came. When you told her she looked beautiful. I dropped down on my knees. The mic fell from my hand and it tumbled down the stage. I folded on my arms and I cried like a baby. I wailed and soon I started screaming. I screamed at the top of my lungs into the sky and the God that made me the fuck I was. 

I was such a mess of everything around me. All the hatred, all the feelings so etching deep inside of me and my heart. This is so fucking choking and I strangle my hairs, I pull them with all my might and I scream and scream and scream and scream. 

"Why why why why why" repeatedly my lungs gave out and out and out. My voice now becoming shrill, my vocals tearing down and I am such a mess it reminds me everyday that no one can ever love me for who I am because I am so haunted, so distant, I am so ironic that whenever someone screams my name I laugh like a maniac and I turn every proposal down and then come back.

What has become of my heart I don't even know. 10 years from now I don't know if I'll be standing before the stage and you would be holding her hands and everything will go blur as you softly kiss her tender and kind hands. I can never be her, I can never be something so kind and gentle and so girlish like it had never felt the touch of anger. I can never be something someone can love, everything will scream inside me and I will turn my back to your wedding and I'll leave the venue as I came. 

Or I might be drinking myself to pain and I'll see your freaking face after good 20 years of my name. I will take a sip and drink in your perfect body. You would be looking for somebody and I'll hide myself like I've never known you. Never known someone whom I had admired for good 2 years with such a heavy heart full of freaking feelings. And you'll drink yourself to death and I'll again leave the bar as I came. I'll remind myself I cannot be worthy of love and I'll jump down the canal. 

But the stage will go on. I might be just dreaming, sounding myself to sleep on the stage. The lights still on and I'll see nobody came. I slept good 2 hours and I'll brush myself off, get up and walk down the stairs. I'll remember how it was and keep it at that. I'll remember my love and forget everything about you. You're not a thing to be mentioned anymore. I've lost you I accept. But I am so much more. I am all the love I could never get. How could I peace in someone who hasn't ever even met me when i was just before their eyes.

I'll take the mic and I'll bow to the audience. I'll sing the last song. And I'll walk off disappearing behind the curtains.