Deep blue

 'You have to go to school Elaaf, there is just no other option for you. Be thankful to God that you were able to pass your 11th standard. Now pack your bags and go. Now.' The last word seemed to be read out, deeper than they were actually said, in my mind. 

I sometimes think it would have been better if I never passed. At least my parents would have considered some other thing for me rather than forcing me to pursue a career I don't want to. But failure is not something I would have been able to accept so easily. I packed my bags without a word in retaliation and stomped out of the gate ignoring the subtle cries of my mother to eat my breakfast before stepping out. 

I gave a fleeting glance to my bike parked at one corner of the garage. It's super fine glint was calling me to ride it but I cut short and decided to walk to school. I remember the many times I gave my friends a ride on this, my helmet becoming a show for everyone in my class. There was one more girl who drove but I wonder if even anyone gave a glance at that. 

While walking on the path I realized how short this life is and how feeble this age in which I am in is. One wrong decision and it all comes tumbling down without having mercy for me who built it up countless times with my sweat and tears. I don't know why this all is so fragile and I realize why my subconscious chose to not drive today. 

The inside of me started banging on the walls of my being to turn my path and run somewhere off, just escape school and do the thing I like. But come to overthinking it, if I ran away now, my absence after the 'school is over' time will lead my parents to call the authorities at school, which will lead to huge talks about me all over school and then maybe they'll take to police, if blamed by my parents on school for my non-attendance before their eyes, and the police will catch me for sure in no time. Because I believe I am just a wandering soul, I don't have a destination ready in my mind yet and I myself have no idea what I am about to do right now.

I stop in my tracks for once. What if I did what was in my mind for long? What if I chose what I want to choose? What if i did something which is forbidden but that's my final closure to this suffering? What if, What if, What if?

I chose to turn away. I took a different path and seeing the never visited lane before me, I knew what I wanted to do. I chose to discover this and will go back home after the school time has ended to complete it all; everything, my will, my parent's needs, pseudo school. Damn it all. 

I walked over this path continuously, looking around each and every corner. I never knew this lane existed for once as i believe i overlooked it every single time. This route had a lot of trees growing on it's sides, soothingly shading the path before me for a far more comfortable walk in real than in the veins of my mind. 

There are not many people but only one or two walking here. Maybe taking morning walks for sure. I feel relieved i chose this at this hour of the long days i have and of course, as a perfect escape from school. 

I think upon the fact that it's not school which i actually hate or abide by that schools should be closed. It's that i don't want to spend this phase of my life on something which i don't like, which i don't want to study. Maybe it's my youth which is making me think all this with passion but at this moment, i don't seem to have any other choice or simply, i want some time alone.

As i keep on walking, suddenly the lane ends on a big brick wall. I look beside me to find another route which was far more steeper than this one, and it seemed to have no houses all along though i couldn't see all to the end from here, i presumed it. I took to the path and it took me long before it ended at a pond side, away from the city shore. 

From here the view was totally different. Before me was a big pit, which might be dug for construction of yet another building because the area looked so and there were huge walls surrounding it, away from even a site of the nearby apartments. There was a big pond on the other side, right, of the road, opposite to the pit. Surprisingly the pond's water was far more clear. It was a mix of dark green and blue from which i thought if this has been left vacant for a long time. I sat at the edge of the road facing the pond.

My legs hanged above the water. I put my bag down beside me and stared down the water. There few really small fishes swiveling around. At this point if God came down and asked what i want to be morphed into since this human being is not for me they know, i would have said i would want to be a fish like the one in this pond. Then i wonder if i made good friends with this fishies and we chose to swim around here forever, for this pond seemed to be very distant from any other soul around for me. 

Some weeds had also grown along the sides of it. I wanted to plop down this water but i don't know how deep it is. I look at the watch and realize the first period might have ended now. Few more to go and i'll be home. But i won't forget this place. Maybe stop around once again tomorrow if i failed to gather the courage to enter the school air. I decided to lay down on the path itself and sleep for few hours to come. I closed my eyes and drifted to a deep sleep. I wonder if i dreamt of this place and there were children the same age as me whom i met here and that we became friends. But my sleep broke open the moment i advanced to shake hands with the children to confirm friends and my hands, i wonder if i remember it correctly, slipped across their skin silhouette. 

I suddenly opened my eyes and sweat was breathing down my forehead before i knew it. I looked around and found relief at the sight that there was no one. I glanced at the pond below me and to my surprise, saw the few small fishes wagging their tails around the side i lay and seemed to stop there, not moving. Maybe they seemed to be fascinated by the sight of another being around suddenly.

This strange sight would have said a lot to me if i could remember the conversation i had with the children in my dream. But to me now, i wonder if the conversation really ever took place. 

I looked down at the watch and realized it was time to go. I waved down at the fishes as i walked away, a weird feeling seething into my skin that i felt peaceful suddenly.

I reached home kicked my shoes and went straight to my room. My parents are off to work at this time which i use fully to enjoy alone. But this time instead of spending time on tv, mobile or blasting songs on the speaker, i pulled out a drawing book from my drawer and drew the place i visited today. something i don't want to forget. And as far as i knew of this strange feeling, i think i somewhere finally knew what i wanted to do.

[PLOT BEHIND: the children Elaaf met in his dreams were those who ended their lives in the big pit around, and became fishes in their other life. The conversation he had in his dream with them was about life and that they believed he could do so well. That's why Elaaf took to be friends with them. The lane was never real but it will forever exist in Elaaf's drawing book, which made a show piece at the biggest art museum in the country and Elaaf carved his name in history as a great painter who painted the sceneries of places which was hard to exist in the real world or maybe, when the visitors saw the painting and felt nostalgic that it existed in their dreams. From the visit to that place, Elaaf discovered what he wanted to do. The deep bond somewhere is a metaphor for life.]