agony

 I put on the vintage brown silk draped midi dress i bought for this farewell party. Brown is not my favorite color but it seems nice to me nowadays when i am thinking much about it for my new dress design. 

I never knew having a passion for a fashion designer would take me this far to completing my graduation in it in 4 years. I will miss my friends of course but most to the one i couldn't get the courage to talk to yet.

 But i may ask him today of his choices. Even though i am not rooting to be the one, though i am not thinking of even dancing at the ball but if he said yes, then...it's okay. And if no..then also so okay. I don't think i care but maybe today or tonight, i think i do.

I straighten my hairs and leave the front curls as it has been since my childhood and leave for the party in my bandage boots. 

I have arrived early i guess but it's okay anyway, i won't be getting to see these faces again. As i move to the starter counter for my butterscoth ice cream pick, Sean approached with bang and a big smiley face as always. 

"You are looking pretty!! Never brown could look so good on someone." He said cheerfully taking one glance at my outfit. "Oh, my, my, the bandage boots! My so choice, right?!"

"I was thinking of trying something new too!" I said smiling my cheeks out at the compliment.

We strolled together for a while near the back garden area away from the growing noise as i don't think i could survive my senior year without Sean. I am grateful to have a friend like him. 

"I don't think the jealoused girls of our year will be wishing you good. But don't dare let your smile down before them, okay? Bullies could never be eradicated but the moths they latch upon still fly, okay?" He said with concerning eyes knowing the incidences that took place last year in which i was in.

"It's okay Sean. Today is to enjoy, i don't think i am wasting it anyways." I smiled a reassuring smile.

Sean said goodbye after a while and i walked over to the dancing ball at the time.

There i saw him with my side eye. He looked good as always, like sunshine on a dark day, but his black coat reminded me of the time i overheard him telling his favorite color to his friends at the color picking site for the designs. I think i so knew he would be wearing that.

I could see him watching over the crowd, maybe for his friends? He might have just arrived.]

 I kept sipping over my cola bottle and when the host arrived for the start of the ceremony, i threw it in the bin right down the railing.

I wasn't thinking of something like that to happen in the moment but anyways i have never been in this before so how would i know? Everyone moved around for their dance partners and he was coming straight to the back of the hall. Right where i was.

"Will you dance with me?" He let out a hand to ask but it was not meant for me, but the girl behind me in red dress, my favorite color. She took his hand and they went away. I don't remember seeing the other girl before but the picked a string in my heart somehow. 

I don't think i want to think much about it. I started walking out the hall ignoring some of the mates who asked me on the way for the dance. As i stepped out the cold air flushed my cheeks and out of the blue i started running towards the fountain side of the arena. I have loved fountains since my childhood.

When i reached there i was panting and the ground was almost clear except the few people who couldn't dance i guess. I flumped down at the marble edge and waited for the heaviness to leave before i thought of anything else. 

I feel like i have been through this before, maybe this is deja vu from the parallel universe. The other me has went through this before, i so hope she is okay now. Well, i don't think i am.

I should just start walking instead of looking at the tiny bettas in the fountain waters. I stroll the area for a minute before leaving for the starter stalls. I ate the noodles first and then ate my dinner there, alone. Maybe i was meant to be alone all this time. This farewell was just an illusion for my subconscious extrovert skin.

After filling myself i jotted down the lane and sat at the edge of the tower from where the whole view of the city met my watery eyes. A tear trickled down my cheeks but i wiped it off nonchalantly. Sean must be enjoying and i knew i had no work here. I don't want to talk to anyone.

I pulled out my phone and after putting on the earbuds, played the 'enha' playlist i created which contained the melody of heaven for me.

I didn't realize all the time when someone came and sat at a few feet from me at the edge. I was so lost in the twinkling city lights and the songs that melted in my eyes blurring the vision, that the other person poked me on the shoulder to get my attention in the dark.

The city lights were the only thing lighting up our faces and his eyes seemed to twinkle like the infinite stars in the universe. I was looking at them long enough before he snapped me out. I pulled out my earbuds and the song faded into the silence between the growing ivy on the edges between me and him.

"May i know why are you crying?" All the time i kept staring in his eyes. His low voice echoed like a flute in my ears. I couldn't remember the moment where i have heard this. 

I looked away to the city lights again. "Nothing."

"Okay." We sat in silence for a long time before he spoke again. "I am having a bad day too."

I nudged my head to show that i did hear him, and he continued.

"I lost my...my dog today morning and i thought i wanted to speak it out to someone."

"You can shout at the city from here for that. You shouldn't need another person."

I got up from the place and left him where he was. 

I don't know if i should be doing this but anyways, i don't think i have time for agony now.