delusion

After pulling the files in one bundle, I shoved them in the drawer which creaked loudly in the silent corridors of the empty hospital lately. I built it, of course, became the director and I am the one working late night too. Interesting. 

I leaned back on the chair for a while, rotating left and right, staring blankly at the photo wall which has pictures painted by painters i guess i admired since childhood. I was into so much, I am glad I am here today after all. The surrounding dark ambience with just the light of my table lamp and the shine of the white papers containing the data of the surgeries to occur tomorrow by me. I have got so much to do, plan out the schedule for this week, take out time for my family for one day to visit them in Delhi, and revise for the surgeries tomorrow.

I am exhausted to the level that if i closed my eyes right now, i will surely wake up only after the sun rises through the drapes of my large pane transparent window. 

I look around at the beauty of all of this, this life, something i wanted for so damn long only to be mine now that i am 32 and unmarried of course. Marriage leaving the list in my early teenage hood. 

I get up from my desk and walk around for a while revising the surgery lines by throwing my fingers in the air, remaking it all fictionally. When it ends, i walk over to the desk again and close all my things. I am done for now. I believe i can plan the family thing tomorrow. I don't regret making my family as the second choice in my life but i am doing this no matter what. I will for sure plan it out tomorrow. I can.

When the last page fits itself in the folder, i turned off the lamp and absorb how the office turns suddenly dull and dark. Only the city lights shining through the window. Oh, what i would have done for this view. I do notice it everyday but today, it feels as if the lights are shining just for me. It is late night, around 2 am which smiles from the clock on the wall, and i walk gracefully, close to the window. Looking down at the night which always seemed to shine more than the day for me, this is the view i live for i realize. 

I run my hand down the cold surface of the window, absorbing every warmth the darkness can provide through the glass. I love how the cold smells so peaceful in my nostrils, providing me with contentment and so much more peace. I am planning on visiting Seoul too, after all how can i forget the band which helped me so much in my bad times. I soft smile wears on my lips and i feel at ease at the moment. I step back a bit from the window to take a longing look at the night sky, when suddenly the drapes fall, darkening the whole atmosphere.

I close my eyes. Take a deep breath before placing a hand on my heart. I am okay. It is just the switch. It is just the heat check detecting two heat bodies. Things can happen suddenly. Doesn't matter if it happened itself, or touched by someone else. I look down at my hands, i cannot see a thing. It is pitch black. This feels like drowning. 

I turn back quickly to go for the lights before a hand slips down my waist, turning me to face it and my heart is absolutely going to burst out my chest in the moment.

I have written this before it can't be true. Even at 32, i seem to go back to my past again and again. There is no proof if this was gonna occur someday but now that it has, i can only brace myself for the upcoming disasters i have written.

"I knew you must be working late night." He speaks, his voice close to my ears, swaying past, fizzing hot. His unexpected presence makes me flinch a bit, because i don't know if i can trust him anymore.

"Yeah." Only one word comes out of my lips, as if i am not in the mood to talk to someone who seems to be the loveliest thing one moment and the deadliest liar on the other. My mind is racing but i calm myself down, closing my eyes and going all unfamiliar to myself across his touch. I sometimes forget who i am, if even i am safe wherever he is.

"I missed you, so i came." He pulls me to a hug. I almost melted when we collided but i come back to life the moment his fingers run through my hairs. I hug him back with non-familiar hands. 

Nothing is wrong lately, my brain doesn't knows it yet that i am with him, just my heart which always seems to beat for him. But i am afraid this beating is suddenly turning heavy, as if barging on my heart walls to tell me that i should leave RIGHT NOW. 

But i can't seem to leave his side. Whenever i am with him, a soft smile comes to my face, my heart goes slower and i feel sunflowers going inside my heart. His face shines in the only sunlight in the world and i have never seen something really shining before. His hands touch my hands, my hairs and my skin if i once allow, and his touch sends pools of warm strings in my veins, as if i am drinking hot chocolate all of a sudden. 

But i am afraid of only one thing i guess after all.

"I missed...you too." I say after a pause. My eyes are open and searching through the darkness which doesn't allows me to see anything. I wonder if he is hiding daggers inside his coat which i can feel right now against my pastel turtleneck shirt. 

"Did you eat?" There is a soft concern in his voice. He pushes me back and i look up to see his face, i can see nothing. "I had my dinner at 11." I said nonchalantly.

Now he completely let go of me and stands alone in the dark. 

"Bold of you to assume i would ask such thing." My heart starts beating fast again at his dark voice and i take a step back which seemed to make no noise in my flats. I sighed virtually in my mind. I knew this was all a fucking lie. 

"I can feel it in my heart y/n, you're growing far and further day by day. I never wanted this. I never wanted any of it. I wish i could go back to the day we met and i wish i had left you as you were. Drenched, broken, disappointed from life. I wish to undo so many things that i have lost count of it all honestly. You are such a menace y/n. You really are."

"I wish so too." My voice sounds colder than this darkness. "You too are not supposed to sneak into the place i built myself, on my blood, sweat and tears. You, being the fucking freak you are, have no right to say such things about me in my own place. Or anywhere to be sure. You were the one who had fallen, not me. I didn't push this you did. You are the fucking menace. You. Not me." My words didn't raise but fell deeper and deeper in this deafening silence. He is somewhere just close to me. I am not afraid anymore. I can feel it in my despicable veins.

"Oh, really?" He scoffs. His lavender scent in the air is making me dizzy right now. 

"Of course the truth." Gosh, only if i had my phone in my pocket. I start walking to the side, placing a hand on the wall searching the lights. I finally found it. I pulled on the switch.

He was no where.