It's okay. It's a criminal thing.

 Everyone is ready. This is so cool.

"Chanel, are you waiting too?"
"Yes!" I say showing off my excitement for the 16th year on earth of my weirdest of all friends. He is the only friend I have.
Then 12 struck and everyone bombed the group chats. The ones who weren't alive till 12 were now blasting off pompous celebrations in their chats and responses and wishes. And somewhere in between all of that, my wish looked like it was getting lost in the haze and maze. So I started repeating my words. Like a dumb girl, yeah I did.
"Happy Birthday"
"Happy Birthday"
"Happy Birthday"
..and continued.

I personally texted him my message that I had written for him on this day. I had been writing since few days. I wanted his birthday to be as happy as he had made mine. It was kind a long time after so many people had wished me on my birthday. It was beautiful so I wanted to make his too. Not to repay the pleasure. Just to make him happy.
When he thanked me back. Then I put up a story for him on his birthday as i think he had asked me for it as a birthday gift. Then I did so but you know i am dumb. I forgot to mention his id. I did then he was able to put it on his story.

Then I sent another message explaining that I am feeling weird for few days since that you are not behaving like you used to. Maybe I am so so wrong. Then he said its not your fault and I don't know then who's fault it was that he wasn't talking to me, you know like he used to.
Then my mind ended and I put down the phone thinking of nothing but just that at least I didn't ruin his birthday. Or I thought I didn't. Doesn't matter. Mine was also not great this year.

 
Then after few days I guess we talked and then he said that his feelings for me has forever gone to a sleeping mode and he'll get the gist for someone else but never for me. I still don't know how to feel about it.
I went to the bathroom after the response blasting off Taylor's music in my ears to do nothing. Just standing, away from the eyes of my mother who gets to know the storm inside me every time. So I had to hide it.
I didn't cry. I didn't shout. I didn't made myself low for that.
I just felt heavy. As like my heart had just thrown down his weight or say grief which it was holding on for so long. I should have cried after the realization but I didn't. I guess there were no tears left to cry about that.

I wanted to be blunt. Forever unafraid of what was coming after. Hence i said what I think i shouldn't have after which he lost feelings for me.

 He didn't lose it.

 
He crushed it inside himself. He stomped on that crap spider which was crawling all over him since so many years, which was haunting over his fears, making dark clouds in his mind making him indecisive. He pulled out that spider from his back and after storming it with slangs, dropped it on the ground and dammed his big foot on it. And then slid and rolled it over under his feet so that nothing remains of him. Not inside of him and not even in the wind around him. But buried under the ground where it belongs. Buried. Dead. Never alive again. I know he did this. I know.

 
And since ever I stopped texting him or calling him ever if I wanted to or just dig the urge inside myself. I knew he has found himself and there's no point of talking someone out when they have made their mind firm about what they want in life and what not.

That was surely not the day I finally said goodbye to him too.
After days when I woke up from a deep sleep. I think i dreamt about him so went to see if he had sent any messages. Then I saw it.
I was kicked out of the group he had joined me too by one of the initial members of that group. I saw it. It was so bad. He didn't even reply to my message which I had sent him in the morning and when I came back home after giving an exam, I had seen that it was not seen at that time. But this time it was seen and empty and hence I called it off forever too.
I deleted his chats. That group. And swored to never come back. But still i did, yeah I did.

I still see his stories from another account of mine and I don't think that I am committing a crime or betraying myself. No. It is not a crime because its what I want to do.

 
I want to know whether he's okay or not. I want to know if his life is still going banger as it was earlier. I want to know how he's responding to other's messages and questions. I want to. Its what I want and I don't think that's a crime.

 
He's happy without me but thats not my focus. My focus is whether he's happy or not and I get my answer which is sufficient for satisfaction.
Its not something I'm telling myself that I want. I just want to say that its okay that I do it. 

Because its now or never and this teenage can never be more exciting without invading some stories. And moreover nothing's more of a banger than being a villain and criminal in a love story. And having the heart and mind and courage and nature to say so.

But I somewhere still feel like i broke his heart or maybe I'm the reason behind he doesn't gives a shit about the world like he used to. That maybe somehow I'm the reason behind all the curtains that he drew over the light, all the things he does to himself in the gym, vigoruou, ferocious, like a trapped cat wanting to come out of a cellar for so long.

 He has thrown off the cardigan I gave him and has burnt it to the edge. I don't wonder now about the what-ifs between us.

 It's nothing and nothing there will be. 

And the bitter truth is-

Nothing lasts forever.